My Konstantine
by staybeautiful329
Summary: A short song fic based on Something Corporate's Konstantine. Lots and lots of Sarkney angst.


**disclaimer:** I dont own Alias or any of its characters, unfortunately. Nor do I own My Konstantine or Something Corporate. I'm just burrowing them.

Ok, so basically, this is before SD6 was destroyed. Syd and Sark are together, Vaugn is totally out of the picture because we like Sark better. That's all.

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I can't imagine all the people that you know  
And the places that you go  
When the lights are turned down low  
And I don't understand all the things you've seen  
But I'm slipping in-between  
You and your big dreams  
It's always you  
In my big dreams

She had done this last year, too, around the anniversary of Danny's death. She couldn't look at him, and he knew it. She stayed at work later, missing dinner, not calling to let him know she wouldn't be there. Then she stayed out, going to bars. He could smell the alcohol when she came home in the early hours of the morning and greeted him coldly. Of course, he always waited up for her. She usually opted to sleep in one of the guest rooms, and if she did sleep in the master bedroom with him, she shrank away from his touch, staying on her side of the bed.

And he couldn't do anything about it. He knew no way to help her get through this time. All he could do was stay on his side of the bed and dream that eventually it would get better._  
  
And you tell me that it's over  
Wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clover  
And your restless, and I'm naked  
You've gotta get out  
You can't stand to see me shaking  
No  
Could you let me go?  
I didn't think so_

She always came home, that was the one thing he was grateful for. No matter how many times she had she had looked at him with those pleading eyes and spoke the words in the defeated voice, 'Julian, I can't do this anymore. It's over.'

And no matter how many times he answered with a harsh tone, 'Fine. Leave,' occasionally punching a wall for dramatic affect, she always crawled into bed that night. She couldn't leave, he knew that, but she couldn't stand to look at him either._  
  
And you don't wanna be here in the future  
So you say the present's just a pleasant interruption to the past  
And you don't wanna look much closer  
'Cause you're afraid to find out all this hope  
You had sent into the sky by now had crashed  
And it did  
Because of me_

He worried about her at times like this. She lost weight and looked pale and sick. Anybody could see that she was in pain. She talked about death a lot. She couldn't think about her life, because when she did she got sick at the thought that she was sleeping with the enemy.

He knew that she blamed him, at least in part, for Danny's death, even though he hadn't physically killed him. He would never be on the good side, and she knew that, and he knew it was hard for her to handle. He often feared that it would become too much for her to handle and she would leave him for real._  
  
And then you bring me home  
Afraid to find out that you're alone  
And I'm sleeping in your living room  
We don't have much room to live_

She always came back though, because she needed him and he needed her. He knew she couldn't stand to be alone, she couldn't stand constant silence. But they were constantly at each other's throats until her mood passed. She needed to be comforted and he was frustrated because he didn't know any way to do so. The large house seemed bigger than usual when they weren't getting along, but he was suffocated by it._  
  
I had these dreams in them I learned to play guitar  
Maybe cross the country  
Become a rock star  
And there was hope in me that I could take you there  
But damn it you're so young  
Well I don't think I care  
And if I hurt you  
Then I'm sorry  
Please don't think that this was easy_

He dreamt of leaving this life and bringing her with him. Those nights when he slept alone, he dreamt of taking her out of the life that had caused her so much pain. He regretted ever even meeting her at times, because he knew that he was always a reminder of what she had lost. The fact that he willingly worked for the man that had had Danny killed hurt her, and seeing her hurt ripped him up inside. _  
  
Then you bring me home  
'Cause we both know what it's like to be alone  
And I'm dreaming in your living room  
We don't have much room to live_

He knew she would come back though. She had to. With him she was safe. She didn't have to lie to him and she didn't have to worry about SD6 or the CIA. She could just be herself. He knew that she knew the pain of being alone, as did he. This business did that to people, it tore them away from those they loved. But they wouldn't let that happen to each other, because all they had was each other. No matter how much she hated him for being a bad guy, she loved him and he loved her because they had nobody else to love._  
  
And Konstantine is walking down the stairs  
Doesn't she look good  
Standing in her underwear  
And I was thinking  
What I was thinking  
We've been drinking and it doesn't get me anywhere_

She was standing in the doorway to their room in plain cotton panties and a tank top with her hair falling into her face. He knew she was drunk, and he knew he was drunk, but she was beautiful. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever laid eyes on, he knew for a fact._  
  
My Konstantine came walking down the stairs  
And all that I could do is touch her long blonde hair  
And I've been thinking  
It hurts me thinking that these nights  
When we were drinking no they never got us anywhere  
No_

He stroked her hair softly as she slept with her head resting on his chest. There was nobody in the world whose body fit his so perfectly, like two puzzle pieces. But he knew the morning would be bad. She would be upset again and want to leave. And when she looked at him he would see her heart breaking in her eyes again and again and again. And she would look into his stoic blue eyes and not see the sympathy he had for her, or the love he had for her._  
  
This is because I can spell konfusion with a k  
And I like it  
It's to dying in another's arms and why I had to try it  
It's to jimmy eat world and those nights in my car  
When the first star you see may not be a star  
I'm not your star  
Isn't that what you said  
What you thought this song meant_

He had never given himself up to someone like this before, never let down his guards and fully exposed himself. He had never trusted someone before. She had made him do it, and he didn't know how. He had not done that to her, though, and he knew it. She had said it once, then taken it back immediately, saying she didn't mean it, asking him to forgive her. She meant it though, he knew. How could he possibly make her feel the way she made him feel? He was nothing compared to her._  
  
And if this is what it takes  
Just to lie in my mistakes  
And live with what I did to you  
And all the hell I put you through  
I always catch the clock  
It's 11:11  
And now you want to talk  
It's not hard to dream  
You'll always be my Konstantine_

Every year at this time he would be reminded of what he did to her, what he made her feel. He could push it out of his mind the rest of the time, when she was able to push it out of her mind. But when she couldn't, all he could do was wait for her and wish he were able to apologize and tell her that he knew how horrible he made her feel.

He didn't want her to have to go through what she went through every time she looked at him and remembered that he worked for her dead fianc's killer. She wanted to talk, but he knew how it would end, and he couldn't take her tears again. Not yet, anyway. He would much rather dream about her when she was happy and loved him and made him happy._  
  
Konstantine, they'll never hurt you like I do  
No they'll never hurt you like I do  
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no_

He knew that no one could ever hurt her the way he did. No one could ever put her through that pain everyday. And he regretted that._  
  
This is to a girl who got into my head  
With all the pretty things she did  
Hey  
You know  
You keep me up in bed  
This is to a girl who got into my head  
With all the fucked up things I did  
Hey  
Maybe  
Baby  
You could keep me up in bed  
My Konstantine_

He had never wanted to be with her. He knew she wouldn't be happy. He knew he would hurt her. But he couldn't get her out of his mind. She was amazing in every way possible, so passionate about everything. Her only fault was falling for him.

Spin around me like a dream we played out on this movie screen  
And I said  
Did you know I miss you?  
Did you know I miss you?  
Did you know I miss you?  
Did you know I miss you?  
Did you know I miss you?  
Did you know I miss you?  
Did you know I miss you?  
I miss you

'Oh, God, I miss you,' he whispered as he watched her sleep. It was the only time she seemed to be at peace. He couldn't bear the agony he could see in her everyday. He missed the happier version of her, the loving version, the passionate version, the one who made love to him every night, whispering words of love and adoration in his ear. He missed her with all the energy he had._  
  
And then you bring me home  
And we'll go to sleep, but this time, not alone, no, no  
And you'll kiss me in your living room  
I know  
You'll miss me in your living room  
'Cause these nights I think maybe that I'll miss you in my living room  
We don't have much room  
I said does anybody need that room?  
Because we all need a little more room  
To live_

A week later, she came home from work on time and kissed him when she greeted him. He was so happy that she had been able to forgive him again. She went to bed with him that night and after they made love, she stayed next to him with her arms wrapped tightly around him, as if to hold onto him forever. He held onto her as well, and silently thanked God for bringing her back to him.

_  
  
My Konstantine _


End file.
